Making Flippy Floppy

Labels: Googly-eyes, Retro Fun, Strange Happenings, Videos

There's just something magic about the eyes...

Labels: Googly-eyes, Jesus, Retro Fun, Videos

Despite the recent April blizzards, lately I've got a bit of Spring Cleaning Fever . The urge to purge clutter. It's so nice to fling open doors and windows and let the mustiness of winter fly away, replaced by crispy new air. Re-fluff the cushions, chase the cobwebs, organize the bookshelves and spice racks. I'm realizing now it must have been a few springs since the mood last struck because I have been unearthing some noteworthy things from the back of various closets, cupboards and junk drawers. I've lived in the same house for nearly five years now, and like the geological rock cycle, things that were once buried deep and forgotten will inevitably one day surface anew. So far, one of the highlights was a vintage pin of Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes in his full Seven and the Ragged Tiger era glory, wearing more makeup than Sheena Easton and looking twice as hot. This was at the bottom of a box of old magazines - magazines, magazines, magazines -they pour out of every box, every shelf, every crevice of my home. Why do I save them? I went through all my hundreds of them and kept only the ones I thought might someday be collectible, like if Madonna's on the cover. The rest are going up the flue of the wood stove tonight - it's supposed to be a chilly one! Buried back in the forbidden zone that is the cupboard under the kitchen sink I found the "magic" fish tank scrubber wand with the blue handle that had been missing for at least two years - I refused to buy another one, knowing it would turn up someday. It's not the type of thing people normally tend to steal. It is magic, too - any other scrubber just doesn't quite get the algae off as good. Outside next to the house, I found an old 5 gallon bucket and thinking it was full of water, I dumped it and ten million hot pink and purple aquarium rocks cascaded across my yard. It's quite an unusual landscaping treatment, really, but more than a little impractical. Not going to be a fun cleanup, either. The spare room closet coughed up the best goodies, including a Dolly Parton poster, a whole box of blank notebooks and sketch pads and various paper, a pair of combat boots. Also came across a scruffy looking duffle bag with my ex's childhood teddy bear, personal poetry, and family photos. Seems like an odd thing to leave behind - makes me think it was left on purpose for safe keeping or perhaps to create an excuse to get in touch again. I had no idea it was even there. I came across the "trailer trash old lady" costume (including enormous fake breasts) that I wore a few Halloweens ago that won me first place (I think it was $500!) in the costume contest at the bar - the only time I ever "did drag." The spring cleaning find with the most potential has to be the big brown bag of gay porn. Three or so years ago, Kami Jo was working a day shift tending bar at Mik-n-Mac's and took a bag of trash out to the dumpster and sitting atop the trash bin was a brown paper bag. She peered in to find a stash of man-on-man XXX videos. Someone had to get rid of their gay porn collection pronto and thought the Mik-n-Mac's garbage was the perfect place to drop it off. So being the thoughtful gal she is, Kami rescued the bag, put a bow on it and gave it to me and my ex next time we came in as a "gag gift." These videos were vintage 1992 and we had a blast making fun of the video boxes, with all the bad hair and corny porn star names. Even if we had wanted to actually watch the vids, we couldn't since we had already purged the old VCR in favor of a DVD player. So the brown bag of fun somehow ended up buried in the back of the spare room closet, completely forgotten until now. What does one do with a stack of unwanted gay porn? I certainly have some fun ideas. I could put them in my yard sale, just casually display them out on a sunny table just to see the reaction of the old ladies and uptight republicans that happen to wander through. Or even better, drop a few off at some stranger's yard sale when they aren't looking, then go back to the car and watch the chaos unfold. Maybe slip a few onto the video shelf at the public library. Toss them in open car windows on a Sunday in the parking lot of the Mormon Church. Can you imagine the delicious uproar? Should I put them outside the night drop at the Women's Shelter Thrift Store? Maybe I'll take them in to googly-eyed Jon at Hastings and see if I can trade them in for store credit. Maybe there's a collectors market for vintage 90's gay porn and the contents of the brown bag is worth hundreds of dollars on Ebay. Despite all these delightfully tasteless options, they'll most likely end up with all the other crap in the back of my truck, headed to the dump.

Labels: Cleaning, Gay Porn, Googly-eyes, Nick Rhodes, Random Thoughts

There's only one thing that makes me happier than a bad customer service experience, and that's writing about a bad customer service experience on my blog and exposing the rancid perpetrator to the whole world. Hastings here in Coeur d'Alene is not necessarily well-known for it's outstanding employees, granted. On a normal day, the cashiers have two speeds: slow and stop, and the floor staff are severely lax in the product knowledge department. One of my favorite examples is the time I overheard a gentleman ask the kid working at the music desk where he could find a copy of The Band's classic album The Last Waltz and the kid replied "You're gonna have to be more specific about the name of the band, but you'll probably want to look in the Classical section cuz that's where all the Waltzes are." Stuff like that. However, at least most of them are friendly, unlike the dismal little shit that totally ruined my Hastings experience the other night. Every now and then I go through my CD racks and make a pile of stuff I don't listen to anymore and take them in for store credit. I assume this is a normal, everyday procedure since they have huge signs outside and in advertising for people to bring in their used stuff. Doing a buyback, as they call it, is a bit time consuming, and not really a blast for the music department person who has to look up every title in the ancient, slow-ass Hastings database system. No-one has ever acted really thrilled about doing it, but it is part of their job, and they should at least be civil to the customer. So, the other night I went to the music desk to begin the process and encountered Jon, who immediately rolled his eyes and greeted me with a sigh and a frown. "How dare you interrupt my oh-so-busy night with your pathetic little trade-in. I hate you." He didn't actually say the words, he didn't need to - he was just oozing with the attitude. In fact, he didn't speak a single word to me the entire time. No "Hi. How are you?" No "I'd be happy to help." Nothing. He just peered out at me silently, all googly-eyed from behind thick glasses and started going through the CD stack. I thought "Ooooh kay, here's a real friendly one" and announced that I was going to browse and would be back in a moment. Strike One. A while later he raced by me with a pile of my CDs and I followed him to the front register where he hastily threw my pile of CDs on the counter and wordlessly disappeared. I've been through the buyback process a hundred times, and I know it well, but imagine that it was my first time selling CDs there, I'd be utterly confused by the lack of explanation. As it were, I noticed that he had only taken about half my CDs up front - where were the rest, the one's they didn't want to buy? I walked back to the music desk and found the rest of the CD pile sitting there so I grabbed them, Jon appeared suddenly. He finally spoke: "Um, I need to look at that pile again." "OK" I said, not really thinking about why. He quickly scanned the titles and handed them back. I realized that he was making sure I hadn't tried to slip another new CD or something in there - he was insinuating that I was a potential thief! I gave him a look of disbelief and he glared back at me with a full-on frowny face. I had to chuckle at his paranoia and went up front to finish my business. Strike Two. I got my store credit, and I was ready to shop. I wasn't looking for anything in particular just seeing what might pop out and grab me. I am huge fan of David Bowie and a collector of his music. Normally when I see anything Bowie-related and I don't have it I have to snatch it up no matter what the cost. So imagine my delight when I discover there on the Hastings rack a series of Japanese Bowie import CDs that are packaged in exact miniature reproductions of the classic original vinyl album sleeves. I'm a sucker for cool packaging but ouch! $25 a pop for music I already own. I notice they're packaged in those little resealable plastic sleeves that open and close so easy, and I'm curious to know what the inner packaging of these CD's involves, so I carefully peel open the flap and, without actually pulling anything out, I just peered in the open edge to get an idea. I figured if I'm gonna pay that much for a CD, I wanna know what I'm getting before I buy. I guess, I could have asked for assistance, but I didn't want to deal with Jon any more than I had to. Poof! Googly-eyed Jon appears from out of nowhere, beet red. "You need to put that back in the package right now!" he spoke through clenched teeth. I said "Sorry, dude, but if I'm paying nearly 30 bucks for a CD, I want to know what I'm getting - anyway, it's resealable - meant to be opened and closed, see?" He continued staring. "And anyways, are you trying to accuse me of stealing again?" He glared and stammered "People steal all the time around here. " "So what", I thought? I've been shopping here pretty much once a week since the place opened in the early 90's and I deserve better than to be made to feel like a criminal by some pencil-necked weirdo with a paranoid power trip. "Don't open any CD's in here or I'll kick you out" he hissed, as if I made a daily habit of running wildly around Hastings and undoing the shrinkwrap from various products and then pocketing them. So I told the little runt that I was planning on purchasing all 10 of the $25 Bowie Japanese mini-LP-sleeve collectors discs right then and there but he had just blown the entire sale with his rotten attitude, and how I couldn't wait to come in and tell my good buddy Daniel, the store manager, all about it the next time I saw him. OK, I was over dramatizing a bit for the sake of making the point, but still, it could've been true. He googly-eyed me one last time like a frog in headlights and hopped off. My head throbbed with customer angst. Strike Three - Out! I spent my store credit in the video department instead (DVD of "Borat"). When I was being rung up, I made sure the cashier was looking as I slipped a customer comment card in my bag and asked "What's the kid's name in the music department again?" "Jon" said the clerk, "Why, didn't he treat you nice?" "Um, noooo..." I shook my head. "Why, what happened?" he asked. "Oh, I'm sure you'll hear about it later" I replied ominously. I don't think I'm actually going to fill out the comment card or talk to his manager. I knew it would get back to Jon and hopefully just put a little scare in him. Just beware when shopping the music department at Hastings, for you may find yourself at the receiving end of a mean, googly-eyed glare.

Labels: Bad Customer Service, Googly-eyes, Hastings