Making Flippy Floppy

• I'll miss you, Jackson: Peace out to my dear third-cousin-twice-removed Jackson, the only woman who could ever say she both changed my diaper and served me Martinis. She was a great babysitter and years later, and even better cocktail waitress. In fact, Jackie was the best cocktail waitress ever. She could break up a fight on the dancefloor, clean up a drink, and shimmy, all while holding a full cocktail tray in one hand and a lit ciggie in the other, and without spilling a drop. When she first started working at the bar, she was a little frumpy, so the girls all took her shopping for some updated gear and Byron gave her a spiky, dramatic new hairdo. It was like she was a whole new person. She suddenly came alive and this cocktailing madwoman emerged. Jackson used to drink so many Jager blasters that she would start speaking in her own mumbly language and fall off the barstool. Everyone was relieved when we found out she had beat cancer for the first time. Her spirits were high, and she looked good with a sassy wig. A few months later, when the cancer came back again, she wasn't so gung-ho. She quit cocktailing, and worked at a fruit stand briefly, then decided to party away her last days. She was a character, a truly wild and original spirit I will never ever forget, and no-one that knew her ever could. Cheers, to you Jackson, may your light and laughter burn forever... If you knew Jackie, you should visit the Yates site here to sign her Memorial Guestbook (and to check out the photo - you just know she'd hate they picked that one.)

• TV Notes: I was so caught up in this season of "The Next Food Network Star" I ended up bawling last week when they revealed this years winner: Guy. I loved Guy, he's a total cutie but I was really rooting for Super Sassy Reggie, a southern charmer with homegirl appeal and incredible eyes. I'll be turning my attention over to Bravo's "Top Chef" to see which one of those visious homos claws thier way to the top. It's funny that despite the many similarites between the two shows, they couldn't have been any more different: Food TV likes to keep things positive: warm and fuzzy. Bravo just wants to stir up nothing but bitchfights. The Bravo show that really makes me gag is "Blow Out". Jonathan Antin is a dime-a-dozen gassy windbag hair fag with a flair for the obvious and mundane. He thinks he is so hot, but he's mind-numbingly boring! I'd love to see Alexis Arquette get her own spin-off from VH1's surreal life. There's something captivating, down-to-earth, and glamorous about that tranny. I had a look at her cv on imdb and she has quite an amazing list of roles, most back when she was still he. I'd forgotten Arquette was in "Pulp Fiction"...
• School Panic: Down to the last two weeks of the semester and I'm starting to panic a wee bit, being that I have a 6-10 page US History Essay, and a US History Final, a massive Flash capstone project, 5 chapters worth of Access Database assignments, and 2 full novels to read, all due within the next few weeks. Eek. What am I doing wasting time blogging, I'd better get busy...well, I can procrastinate for one more day...
• Sonic Youth: Rather Ripped - I was privvy to an advance download of the new Sonic Youth LP "Rather Ripped" and it's been on a non-stop rotation ever since. I was quite bored with the last few records. They weren;t bad, really, they just were kind of droning anbd shapeless. Nothing stood out of the murk for me. On the other hand, the new album is all about shine and dazzle. Opener "Reena" is classic Youth in melodic pop mode, with Kim Gordon sounding less detatched and more emotionally involved than she has since the Goo/Dirty era. Each song here stays under the four minute mark and gets right to the point, drives it home and ends. This batch of songs is actually "catchy", a word which one couldn't much associate with Sonic Youth in a few albums. Start saving your hairy nickels, you'll want this one when it hits the streets in June.
• Tofu Recipe: I've been trying to stick to the "Fat Smash" diet, made famous by Dr. Ian on VH1's tragically entertaining "Celebrity Fit Club." It was going pretty good for a while but the craving for Chinese Food took over and I haven't been as good since. However, I did end up with a good recipe for baked spicy tofu out of the deal, I made it up on my own and I think it's pretty damn good, and this is coming from someone who is not a big fan of the white jiggly stuff: Marinade 1/4 c light soy sauce1/4 c apple cider vinegar4 diced clove garlic1 tablespoon diced fresh ginger 1 fresh jalapeno pepper1 T extra virgin olive oil Press water out of tofu by weighting down for several hours. I cut it into strips and put paper towels above and below it and weigh it down with a heavy dish. Change the paper towels once or twice during the drying process. Combine marinade ingredients in blender or processor. Marinade tofu strips in baking dish for at least two hours turning so both sides arecoated. Bake at 300 degrees for about 20 minutes. Enjoy.

This came to me this evening via a MySpace bulletin. No clue who came up with it but it's pretty darn hilarious: Coeur d' Alene Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately.Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers. Hayden Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation.Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche. Sandpoint Barbie - Used to be Texas Barbie (or Malibu Barbie) just relocated to Sandpoint for a kickin' job as a Graphic Artist at Coldwater Creek. Divorced but wants to be Coeur d'Alene Barbie, goes on long VW's (Viggo Watches) with her single Coldwater Creek girlfriends. Often settles for Sandpoint Ken and his 93 Ford Explorer with every Yakima sports rack currently available. (Thank you Bob for this addition) Spirit Lake Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops. Athol Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertibleseparately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Oldtown Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Post Falls Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form.Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. St Maries Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Moscow Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer

Photomontage by Patrick.

Here's the latest:

• Another year, another birthday (April 11). Blah blah blah. It was a rather low-key affair this year. Of course, I always say I want to keep it low-key and then get miffed when nothing remarkable happens. Wasn't too bad though, just a few friends down at the usual haunt for $5 keg night. Thanks to totally tubular Tracey for all the Rumple shots. Next year is the big 35, and I swear I'm going to have a big party even if I have to put the damn thing together myself. Think live punk bands, drag queens, pitchers of martini.
• One highlight of my b-day was meeting a kooky character named Rhonda. Keep in mind, keg night fills up with mainly young college-age straight boys, ready to drink a lot of beer and get rowdy. In the midst of all that walks in a little grey-haired old lady who shuffles up to the bar and orders a double vodka cran. She kept kind of giving me the eyeball from down at the other end of the bar, and I was starting to think she was going to turn out to be a singing birthday telegram or something. Finally she makes her way over and offers to buy me a Rumple shot. I almost spit my Minze when this "innocent old lady" started talking in a stream of profanities that would make Kelly Osbourne blush. Turns out this granny-esque lady, Rhonda, runs the only adult magazine and video store in Kellogg, Idaho. That's right, she sells porn in a town of 1,000 people. Plus, she was a riot, telling insane stories and announcing that the last time she was in the bar she got kicked out by a bouncer for grabbing someones booty. I didn't ask how old she was, but she must have been in her late sixies, at least. Kookiness. Anyone up for trip to Kellogg? - I promised I'd come visit.
• I just read that the new Peaches album is coming out soon. Yes - I can't wait to hear what she's cooked up for us this time! Details from NME: Peaches has roped in some famous friends to help out on her new album 'Impeach My Bush'. The follow-up to 2003's 'Fatherfucker' is set for release on July 10. Among the guests helping out on the record are Queens Of The Stone Age frontman Josh Homme, former Hole drummer Samantha Maloney and Joan Jett, one time member of The Runaways, but who scored a massive worldwide hit with her band The Blackhearts in 1982 with 'I Love Rock 'N' Roll'. Songs confirmed to appear on the album include 'Tent In Your Pants', 'Hit It Hard', 'Fuck Or Kill', 'Boys Wanna Be Her', 'Downtown' and 'Rock the Shocker'. Peaches will return to live duty in June, when she joins Nine Inch Nails on the second leg of their US tour. The dates kick off on June 16 in Holmdel, New Jersey. UK dates are expected to follow."
• For the time being, don't expect to see a lot of mp3 action around here. I had an email from "the man" the other day re: the Yeah Yeah Yeahs mp3 I had posted below. They threated very bad things if I didn't remove all copyrighted mp3s, so I did. It spooked my web host too, who then threatened to make me show them written approval from each artist on my web label, Flexible Records. I managed to convince them that everything on there was technically copyright-free or otherwise approved, but they said if they get another complaint they'll cast me into the eternal pit of hellfire or something like that. Scary. I will instead be providing links to lesser-known artists homepages or MySpace pages, where you can download mp3s directly from them.
• My guilty pleasure album of the moment is Pink's I'm Not Dead. There's always been something likeable about Miss Moore, something that set her apart from the rest of the crowd of pop papmakers. Her new album is all over the map, from jarring dance pop to lesbian protest folk to in-your-face hip hop to eighties pop-rock. The breadth of material says a lot about the refusal of Pink to be pigeonholed or put in a perfect box. Some songs may be a bit trite, but each track is addictively listenable and slick. For a pop artist, she remains ahead of the curve, just experimenting enough to move forward without alienating her audience. Her voice is great, and her spirit is impressive. Pink comes across as genuine and honest throughout. It's the antithesis of Gwen Stefani's fun but ultimately tiresome Love Angel Music Baby, which was built on plastic and artifice. I'm not dead is the kind of album that makes you want to listen to it again as soon as it's over, a good housecleaning album as they say.
• For another perspective on the new Pink visit my dear Bradley's Buzz page. And you'd better wear an extra Depends while you're there because he also has a long list of Golden Girls quotes and put-downs that will surely make you pee. Also, visit the archives for his endlessly readable countdown of his top 100 singles of the '80s. Kiddo, they oughta give ya a book deal, I swear.

My legs are in ribbons. There's little shreds of tissue scattering the carpet. Bits of home decor lay in ruin. Little balls of grey and orange fur fly by in sporadic blurs. That's right. My house has once again been overtaken by kittens. Four of them. This batch was truly not planned. My Ling-Ling went and got herself knocked up within days of getting rid of the last kitten of the last batch. I am keeping my eye on her this time, and she's going in for the snippety-snip right away, because this simply can't happen again. Oh, they're so cute at first. They open their little bleary eyes and can't even walk yet, just mew innocently. Suddenly, their kitty-vision clicks in, they discover their claws and they turn into little lethal hurricanes. They love to climb and jump on me in brutal attack fashion causing me to whine, scream, and cry in pain. MotherFUCK! Yes, I know you can't resist keeping one of these evil little shits for your very own. They're weaned and potty-trained and ready to roll bigtime. I have three girls (blackish, calico, and grey striped) and an orange tabby boy. How can you resist? Email me if you are interested in providing one of them with a good home....