Rather Ripped



North Idaho Barbies

This came to me this evening via a MySpace bulletin. No clue who came up with it but it's pretty darn hilarious: Coeur d' Alene Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately.Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers. Hayden Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation.Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche. Sandpoint Barbie - Used to be Texas Barbie (or Malibu Barbie) just relocated to Sandpoint for a kickin' job as a Graphic Artist at Coldwater Creek. Divorced but wants to be Coeur d'Alene Barbie, goes on long VW's (Viggo Watches) with her single Coldwater Creek girlfriends. Often settles for Sandpoint Ken and his 93 Ford Explorer with every Yakima sports rack currently available. (Thank you Bob for this addition) Spirit Lake Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops. Athol Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertibleseparately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Oldtown Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Post Falls Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form.Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. St Maries Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Moscow Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer



People & Places: Phaedra in Flin Flon, Manitoba

Photomontage by Patrick.


Impeach My Bush

Here's the latest:


Epidemic of Cats

My legs are in ribbons. There's little shreds of tissue scattering the carpet. Bits of home decor lay in ruin. Little balls of grey and orange fur fly by in sporadic blurs. That's right. My house has once again been overtaken by kittens. Four of them. This batch was truly not planned. My Ling-Ling went and got herself knocked up within days of getting rid of the last kitten of the last batch. I am keeping my eye on her this time, and she's going in for the snippety-snip right away, because this simply can't happen again. Oh, they're so cute at first. They open their little bleary eyes and can't even walk yet, just mew innocently. Suddenly, their kitty-vision clicks in, they discover their claws and they turn into little lethal hurricanes. They love to climb and jump on me in brutal attack fashion causing me to whine, scream, and cry in pain. MotherFUCK! Yes, I know you can't resist keeping one of these evil little shits for your very own. They're weaned and potty-trained and ready to roll bigtime. I have three girls (blackish, calico, and grey striped) and an orange tabby boy. How can you resist? Email me if you are interested in providing one of them with a good home....

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