Spring Cleaning Unearths Nick Rhodes, Magic Fish Wand, Gay Porn

Despite the recent April blizzards, lately I've got a bit of Spring Cleaning Fever . The urge to purge clutter. It's so nice to fling open doors and windows and let the mustiness of winter fly away, replaced by crispy new air. Re-fluff the cushions, chase the cobwebs, organize the bookshelves and spice racks. I'm realizing now it must have been a few springs since the mood last struck because I have been unearthing some noteworthy things from the back of various closets, cupboards and junk drawers. I've lived in the same house for nearly five years now, and like the geological rock cycle, things that were once buried deep and forgotten will inevitably one day surface anew. So far, one of the highlights was a vintage pin of Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes in his full Seven and the Ragged Tiger era glory, wearing more makeup than Sheena Easton and looking twice as hot. This was at the bottom of a box of old magazines - magazines, magazines, magazines -they pour out of every box, every shelf, every crevice of my home. Why do I save them? I went through all my hundreds of them and kept only the ones I thought might someday be collectible, like if Madonna's on the cover. The rest are going up the flue of the wood stove tonight - it's supposed to be a chilly one! Buried back in the forbidden zone that is the cupboard under the kitchen sink I found the "magic" fish tank scrubber wand with the blue handle that had been missing for at least two years - I refused to buy another one, knowing it would turn up someday. It's not the type of thing people normally tend to steal. It is magic, too - any other scrubber just doesn't quite get the algae off as good. Outside next to the house, I found an old 5 gallon bucket and thinking it was full of water, I dumped it and ten million hot pink and purple aquarium rocks cascaded across my yard. It's quite an unusual landscaping treatment, really, but more than a little impractical. Not going to be a fun cleanup, either. The spare room closet coughed up the best goodies, including a Dolly Parton poster, a whole box of blank notebooks and sketch pads and various paper, a pair of combat boots. Also came across a scruffy looking duffle bag with my ex's childhood teddy bear, personal poetry, and family photos. Seems like an odd thing to leave behind - makes me think it was left on purpose for safe keeping or perhaps to create an excuse to get in touch again. I had no idea it was even there. I came across the "trailer trash old lady" costume (including enormous fake breasts) that I wore a few Halloweens ago that won me first place (I think it was $500!) in the costume contest at the bar - the only time I ever "did drag." The spring cleaning find with the most potential has to be the big brown bag of gay porn. Three or so years ago, Kami Jo was working a day shift tending bar at Mik-n-Mac's and took a bag of trash out to the dumpster and sitting atop the trash bin was a brown paper bag. She peered in to find a stash of man-on-man XXX videos. Someone had to get rid of their gay porn collection pronto and thought the Mik-n-Mac's garbage was the perfect place to drop it off. So being the thoughtful gal she is, Kami rescued the bag, put a bow on it and gave it to me and my ex next time we came in as a "gag gift." These videos were vintage 1992 and we had a blast making fun of the video boxes, with all the bad hair and corny porn star names. Even if we had wanted to actually watch the vids, we couldn't since we had already purged the old VCR in favor of a DVD player. So the brown bag of fun somehow ended up buried in the back of the spare room closet, completely forgotten until now. What does one do with a stack of unwanted gay porn? I certainly have some fun ideas. I could put them in my yard sale, just casually display them out on a sunny table just to see the reaction of the old ladies and uptight republicans that happen to wander through. Or even better, drop a few off at some stranger's yard sale when they aren't looking, then go back to the car and watch the chaos unfold. Maybe slip a few onto the video shelf at the public library. Toss them in open car windows on a Sunday in the parking lot of the Mormon Church. Can you imagine the delicious uproar? Should I put them outside the night drop at the Women's Shelter Thrift Store? Maybe I'll take them in to googly-eyed Jon at Hastings and see if I can trade them in for store credit. Maybe there's a collectors market for vintage 90's gay porn and the contents of the brown bag is worth hundreds of dollars on Ebay. Despite all these delightfully tasteless options, they'll most likely end up with all the other crap in the back of my truck, headed to the dump.

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I will kill you if you toss out that pile of porn. Shame on you,
don't you know there are people who do not own any gay porn? That's right, none at all. Just you consider that little factoid for a moment.... sad, isn't it?

At least save a few for me.

I bet you could make some money off that gay porn.. for a while 70's gay porn was fetching a really high price, I'm sure the stars of 90's porn can't be that far behind.. look for Joey Stefano's name, he was a big hit in his day.. not that I know this type of thing, I just heard it in someone else's conversation.. and you really should think of those starving gay kids in India who have no porn to watch
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