4/15/2006

 

North Idaho Barbies

This came to me this evening via a MySpace bulletin. No clue who came up with it but it's pretty darn hilarious: Coeur d' Alene Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately.Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers. Hayden Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation.Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche. Sandpoint Barbie - Used to be Texas Barbie (or Malibu Barbie) just relocated to Sandpoint for a kickin' job as a Graphic Artist at Coldwater Creek. Divorced but wants to be Coeur d'Alene Barbie, goes on long VW's (Viggo Watches) with her single Coldwater Creek girlfriends. Often settles for Sandpoint Ken and his 93 Ford Explorer with every Yakima sports rack currently available. (Thank you Bob for this addition) Spirit Lake Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops. Athol Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertibleseparately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Oldtown Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Post Falls Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form.Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. St Maries Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Moscow Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer

Comments:
The St. Maries Barbie fits Moscow better than St. Maries. My description of the St. Maries Barbie would be:

"St. Maries Barbie: This Barbie is made out of wood and features a flannel tube top with denim Daisy Duke shorts. If you purchase the accompanying Ken doll, you have your choice of "Barbie's Meth-Lab Mobile Home" or "Ken's Logging Truck" accessories."
 
This was hilarious...accurate, but hilarious nonetheless.

Is a GPS ankle bracelet available as an accessory for Spirit Lake Barbie?
 
Ahh -- you forgot the Priest River, Hope, Clark Fork Barbies -- Dover, Cocalala, Sagle .. ect. Got to get them all. You could call the the Bonner Barbies. Funny!
 
This is pretty funny, but they've got to get a Kellogg or Wallace barbie. Something from the Silver Valley. They've covered most of the distinct areas of North Idaho except for that one. Good stuff.
 
Wallace Barbie: Also nicknamed "Molly B Damned", she comes with strawberry blonde hair, fishnet stockings and black pumps reminescent of a bygone boomtown era. Comes in choice of Jacquard and lace or satin and lace corset. Doubles as piggy bank. Discreet UPS delivery to your PO box. Handcuffs optional. Nominal extra cost includes Lux souvenir sticker and miniature pay off poker machine.

Kellogg Barbie: Same as Wallace Barbie except comes in "glow in the dark" model with hard hat.
 
This is some funny shit here. I love it!
 
I don't know anything about Idaho but this is hilarious. Oh, wait, I guess I do know something now.

The Subaru wagon line cracked me up.
 
Patrick,

I'm think I want to be Oldtown Barbie; I love the idea of those steel-toed cowboy boots but I am going to have to figure out a way to live with those fake fingernails....
 
I think you should come up with a Mullan and Prichard Barbie! that would be sweet!
 
If anyone has ideas for a Blackfoot Barbie let me know!
 
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