Making Flippy Floppy

I only discovered my 1 year old cat LaToya was pregnant a couple of weeks ago. I've heard Tortoise Shell cats are a bit batty, and she proves the idea well. She's a very strange one, one of those cats that really don't dig people that much. She prefers to remain detached. In fact, she'll run flying from virtually everyone but me, and even with me her visits are few and far between. She runs in, eats and leaves again. Even in the freezing dead of winter, she preferred to spend 90% of her time outside. Now and then, at 4:30 AM or so, I'll get woken up by her weird loud purring and sharp, painful claws kneading lovingly into my chest. I'll see her green glowing, slightly cross-eyed gaze and she allows me to pet her and maybe get in an awkward cuddle. But only for a minute or two, for she is gone as fast as she came. It was on one of these late night visits I felt her roundness for the first time, her titties getting big and stiff. Oh, lord...she never even went into heat! I thought she was way too young to even get knocked up! I always get my pets fixed, because I believe there are already enough unwanted pets and overcrowded animal shelters in the world. I don't necessarily want to contribute to that mess. LaToya managed to slip through the cracks and get herself in a family way before I even realized it was time for her to get the snip. I knew she was about ready to pop, and I should have tried to keep her in the house, but yesterday she ran out when I left for work. When I got home last evening, I heard the wee little mewling of new baby kitties coming from somewhere. She'd given birth in the scary, cigarette butt and dead leaf filled dirt hole underneath my front porch. There's an open space between the side of the porch and the ground that is barely big enough for even a cat to sneak through. I blindly tried reaching around in there but felt nothing but dirt and leaves. I was calling her, trying to coax her out and she was meowing back, but not moving. I pointed a flashlight through the cracks in the floorboards and found her and her babies curled up directly in the middle, where it was impossible to reach her from either side. I really was not thrilled with the idea of newborn kittens rolling around in ciggie butts and spiders and raw dirty earth. Plus, it has still been getting pissy cold out at night and I don't want frozen kitty babies on my hands at all. I really wanted her to just catch a clue and drag those babies into the warm house, in the box in the closet I had all set up for her. I called her over and over, tried to bribe her with food and food noises, I even poked at her through the cracks with the pointy corner of an envelope, trying to irritate her out. She refused to budge. I got a hammer and tried in vain to pry the floorboard up, which may be the ultimate solution to this dilemma, but will definitely require some tools I don't have just laying around. After a few hours of trying, I exhaustedly gave up. When I went to bed, I decided to leave the door open an inch, so that if she decided to move them into the warmth of the house, she could. This morning, she ran into my bedroom, all excited and frenzied, meowing and telling me all about her big news. Still, her kittens peeped from under the porch. Getting ready for work, I kept telling her "go get your babies!" but she just looked at me crosseyed and retreated back to the dirty porch hole, where she still was when I left. I just don't know what to do to clue her dingy brain into understanding that she needs to bring them inside. What if I gently sprayed or poured some water in the cracks and bug her out that way? I think I might get a butch lesbian or two over to pry up the porch boards if worse comes to worse. Any other suggestions? Help!

Labels: Dilemma, Kittens, LaToya