Me & Stone Calf Warrior Woman

Yesterday evening I had a bizarre chance meeting with a real local celebrity. I was perched in my usual spot at my usual haunt, relaxing after work and chatting with my homegirl Jessi the bartender, some of the boys and “Mama Maggie”, Leo’s friend from Oklahoma. A couple of friends stopped by to see if anyone wanted to go down to the North Idaho College SUB with them to see the Raining Jane concert. “Not until they start serving Martinis” was our group reaction and off they went. The front door has a trigger that sets off an electronic announcement whenever it’s opened that robotically barks “Beep! Beep! Front Door!” This is for when the place is dead and if the bartender is in back she knows someone’s just arrived. However, us regulars hear it and immediately our heads all turn to the front door to see what character is going to enter stage left. “Beep! Beep! Front Door!” and a petite woman in an ugly white and green windbreaker pops down the stairs. She’s talking on the phone and she elicits no reaction from us at first. As we began to absorb her presence, our eyes darted bark and forth, exchanging looks of mirth and confusion. I think Alex was the first one to say it: “Oh. My. God. What in Gay Hell is that poor woman wearing underneath that ugly-ass windbreaker?” Let’s put it this way: Her top half was all soccer-mom casual: the jacket, hair in a pony tail, denim cap. From the waist down it was purple, pink and orange sequined hot pants, shiny black nylons, dancing shoes. She lingered on the other side of the room, still chatting on her phone, as we cattily invented possibilities to explain her look. My favorite was Brett’s: “Oh girl, she just done got off the Greyhound Bus, if you know what I’m saying.” Me: “Um…no, I guess I don’t know what you’re saying...” Brett: (rolling eyes) “She a ho!” We sat motionless and silent as she hung up her cell and walked up to the bar. Even without any help from the outfit, it was plain to see we had a crazy lady on our hands just by her general demeanor and vibe. You could see the fear in poor Jessi’s face as she approached the woman: “What can I get you, sweetie?” “Democracy. Real democracy, that’s what you can get me…” and she prattled on for what must have been about 30 seconds, but what must have seemed like an eternity for Jessi who just stood there, mouth agog, eyes glazed. As soon as she opened her mouth I realized exactly who we had on our hands, and in my excitement I blurted it out: “Oh god, I know who she is!” She heard me say it and the boys withered as she instantly headed over our way. Ask anyone I know and they’ll tell you I’ve always been a magnet for off-the-wall, mentally ill freak-a-zoids. I have no idea why they always find me, but they always do, and I actually don’t mind some of them that much, as long as they bathe. They can be sort of entertaining and I’m always polite and respectful. Sometimes I wish I was a film director in the vein of John Waters or Harmony Korine, so I could put all the weirdoes that flock to me to some good use. As she bounced over to me, she threw off the windbreaker to reveal a psychedelic bustier also made of purple, pink and orange sequins, and with kind of a Native American flair to it. It was like something Bob Mackie might have thrown together for Pocahontas. She had endless beads and gadgets strung around her neck and arms, and on the back of the dress she wore something I can only describe as a cross between a giant dreamcatcher and an eagle’s nest. “So…how do you know me, then?” she chirped, and the question was on everyone else’s lips as well. I thought about how to approach it delicately? “I saw you in the newspaper a couple of times few years ago when I was going to NIC, you’re a little notorious,” I said. Mary B. You’ll likely remember her from an incident in 2004 when Raining Jane was playing the NIC SUB for a packed lunchtime crowd and she leaped onstage, ripped her blouse open to expose her rather pendulous breasts and some gruesome scars, all covered in some crusty body paint. Chaos ensued, and Mary was escorted out. Apparently she had been 86’d off campus quite a few times in previous weeks for creating a variety of public disturbances she’d created to bring attention to her bizarre patchwork of causes. Oddly, in Idaho it’s actually legal for women to bare their breasts in public, but she was jailed for trespassing. The story hit both local papers the following day and Mary B was the name on everyone’s lips. It was her fifteen minutes of fame, you could say. (Here’s a link to the archived news article including her full name.) So, three years later and Raining Jane comes back to NIC to play another concert, and Mary decides she is going to make an encore performance as well. This time, however, she had the courtesy to email her intentions to the college and was greeted upon her arrival with four CDA police officers who kindly told her to scram. After a bit of a kerfuffle she did scram, and somehow our lounge was where she decided to land. And here she was in front of me, suddenly yammering away at 80 miles a minute:
“Yeah, they tried to call these flabby old things breasts in the newspaper, I took that as a compliment, ha, ha…one time, they had all these different tables in the lobby representing all the different groups, so I decided I was gonna set up a table too, to represent the mentally ill, but they didn’t like that idea too much, ha, ha…they tried to tell me I couldn’t lay my protest blanket on the grass, only on the asphalt, and you know what that word sounds like! ha, ha…and they really thought they needed 8 burly cops to handle little me, don't I look like such a hardened criminal? ha, ha...”
Protest blanket? She demonstrated for me her special spiritual juju dance she invented that she wants to film and post on the Christian media site Mosaic (I’m guessing they won’t let her.) She talked about how she loves her camera phone because she can record “the evidence” because “you can’t be too careful when the FBI is following you.” She showed me her tomahawk, which she claimed was “made of a 7,000 year old fossilized sea clam and was blessed at the Altar of the Blackfoot Indian.” She said she’d recently had her name changed to Stone Calf Warrior Woman. I noticed all my “friends” had gradually abandoned ship, leaving me alone to deal with the crazy person, as usual. Actually, although she is quite nutty, she’s essentially harmless and I actually found some of her stories and viewpoints to be quite interesting. In reality, I share many of her basic viewpoints about Bush and the war, the out-of-control CDA Police, the treatment of native Americans. Unfortunately, her message is ultimately lost within her scattered delivery of it. One moment she would say something really eloquent about ending the war in Iraq, and the next minute she was ranting like loon about some utterly nonsensical conspiracy theory involving her son, the FBI, the “internet people”, Jesus Christ and the angry spirits of 9,000 dead Indians. I listened to her for about 20 minutes and excused myself to the men’s room, hoping she might have decided to drift on to another set of ears. Sure enough, when I came out she had latched onto Kris and Jason who’d had just enough pitchers of beer to find her amusing. Actually, Kris was spot-on when he described her as “comedy gold.” She made Kris use her camera phone to snap a shot of her and I, then she asked for my phone number. “Don’t have one right now,” I lied. She said “Email?” Why not, it might be fun to see what kind of messages I might get from her. Our friends that had gone down to the Raining Jane show returned and a mild panic emerged. The band was headed our way after they were done breaking down their set, and they probably would not be delighted at the idea of a reunion with their number one breast-baring, mentally ill fan. Everyone looked at me. I said “Fine, I’ll get rid of her IF you buy my next beer.” I just told her the truth of the situation and she said “I don’t have anything against Raining Jane, they just happened to be there when I decided to stage my protest. I guess I owe ‘em one…call me a cab, I’ll go.” With that, she put on her god-awful windbreaker, grabbed her clam fossil tomahawk and was gone. When I got home I decided to do a quick email check before crawling in and sure enough she had sent me our photo along with a strange little audio file in which she addresses “Representative Sayler… Democracy Now… my son…and whoever else I’m sending this to…” and ends with the mantra “I want to have my dance shown on Mosaic!” Listen here.

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Raining Jane was awesome. You should have gone to the show. Although you got a pretty good show of your own! :)
Hi, this is Stonecalf Warriorwoman. I just read your hilarious blog! The reason why I was UNCONSTITUTIONALLY Trespassed off of North Idaho College was because of my Feb 10th, 2007 posting on the Raining Jane web-page. In it I stated that I wanted the results of the over 30 year old Special Congressional Investigation of Dick Cheney released to the General Public, then have him arrested,charged and jailed for High Treason and International Terrorism. I wanted him to stand trial in an international jury of his Vice-Presidential peers and if and when found guilty and sentenced to death to have him flown over to Baghdad and have his Death Sentence carried out in the Green Zone by decapitation by a representative of Muqtada al Sadr. I stipulated that I wanted that to happen if Cheney was found guilty of High Treason and International Terrorism and sentenced to death in an international jury of his vice-presidential peers! So waiting for me outside the North Idaho College Student Union Building were 8 men telling me, "because of your posting on the web, you are now TRESPASSED off of North Idaho College" I told them it was illegal and I could go in if I wanted to. I was then threatened with arrest, so I left. I went to the March 19th, 2007 Popcorn Forum with the Professor Pettiford-Wates impersonation of Moms Mabley (borrow the DVD from the NIC library) I was arrested the next day when I sat down to listen to a John Lennon Impersonation. I sat down in front of the Coeur d'Alene Tribal School Kids. CdA Police Officer Massey tried to arrest me as Mary Bartee, though I showed her a valid Idaho Driver's Licence of Stonecalf Warriorwoman. She was deflated and complied when I showed her my Kootenai County Courthouse certified copy of my 2004 Legal name change signed by Judge Wayman. I waited in jail 6 hours in a holding cell. A deputy came in and told me that Booking had been trying to get me booked as Mary Ellen Bartee, which disastrously connects me with the CIA Mind Control Enslavers, (here in Coeur d'Alene in great numbers www.trance-formation.org) and the Masonic Order-both are my arch enemies.
I was finally booked as Stonecalf Warriorwoman, CRM 2007-6006, placed in a private room and given a hot red outfit (I'm usually around felons, etc so I appreciated the private accomodations and I'm a vivid winter and I look fantastic in red!) Sheriff Watson can done 3 days in a row and lined me out, preventing me from going to first appearance. I smiled and waved back at him. March 23rd, Deputy Moline and JA Crawford came into my cell with arm, waist and ankle shackles and Moline said, "Judge Burton doesn't know what to do with you so he has ordered us to transport you to KMC for a D&E. I said, "Watch me beat him at his own game" laughingly. Which, of course, I did. After Richard from Region 1 assessed that I did not meet any criteria to be involuntarily committed and reported that to the 2 deputies, then went down the hall to file his clinical eval, Deputy Moline followed him and said, "You have to commit her, they don't want her back at the jail!" (Seems like I scare everyone, cuz I'm hilarious in the face of absolute tyranny! My mom raised me!...)
Looking out at Booking from Med Hold Cell #2, I realized it was like I was at Sea-World looking at the fish, mammals in the fish tank, so I started laughing and making hand and gestures like a fish breathing every half hour to the deputy that had to physically acknowlegde my presence and indicate that they had done so on the form in my window! What fun! and so much attention.
I mailed to Tawnya Pettiford-Wates, Leonard Peltier, etc, etc, etc what I faxed to President Obama, December 28th at the Kailua Village DMV on Oahu and again on January 13th, to the Hawaii State Attorney General. I gave a copy to the Kootenai County Commissioners and the KC/NI Video and Film Makers Networking Association when they had their meeting at the Greenbriar Inn recently. That was the day that American Corporate News Media 'reported' that Osama bin Laden was speaking hateful words against our incoming president (that is Black Ops here in America) If ya go to the NIC library photocopy my Spiritual Warrior/Activist photo in the early May 2004 edition of the Sentinel College Newspaper. A picture is worth a 1,000 words.
Thanks for the notoriety, oh and view the you-tube videos of The 13 Indigenous Grandmothers. I'm hoping that a rich, Arab, Muslim Shiek will pay the transportation costs for me, the 13 Indigenous Grandmothers, my Tibetan Lama neighbor, Chief Arvol Looking Horse, Johnny Moses, the Qigong Chinese Masters that Francesco Garripoli is connected to, etc to go to Van Tassel's Integraton in Joshua Tree, CA so that my "fleece" = miraculous healing of my extensive, ugly 3rd degree burn torso scars, will be prayed for. so everyone in the world will know that my S.A.G.E. Space Age Global Event, Hearts and Minds Connected Around The World everywhere local from noon-1pm in or near local bodies of water will occur each March 21, June 21, Sept 21, Dec 21 Everyone is invited from Pre-Born on up to Centenarians on Down. log on to www.emotoproject.org view the on-line DVD "Suzuki Speaks" and, by the way, my gay, Shaman friend is www.johnnymoses.com
My entry in the Coeur d'Alene 4th of July Parade, in 2001 was "The Healing of America-The 4 Directions Nation, Healing and Harmony Cross-Culturally, My Prayer. Hip, Hop, Hurray! I'm a freaking Hero, so there! Tee Hee Hee, WHEEEEEEEEEE!I'm listed in the phone book so why not give me a jingle. I love gay people! What I worry about are the people involved in MHM's Miserable Heterosexual Marriages-They are not Gay, They are MISERABLE.
This bitch is obviously crazy. I've seen this crazy lady a few times on campus, somebody should tell her to take her meds because she's coocoo for coco puffs. You get the reference. If this lady is Native, then Tom Hanks is black. Lady if your reading this, do every one a favor and jump off a bridge. You'll be a real native if you do. lol.

Maybe Kootenai County Sheriff's office will lock her up and throw away the key.. She's been harrassing local soldiers in Post Falls demanding to talk to Colin Powell.. a real pain in the ass.
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