Bernice is an older woman who has worked the counter at a downtown Coeur d'Alene convenience store/gas station for many years. About seven years ago, I lived in a house with with Bradley (of Swivek fame) that was a block away from her store, and we would shop there sometimes several times a day. At first Bernice seemed a bit worse for the wear and slightly on the cranky side. However, the more we frequented, the more we wore away her rough and tough exterior and the sweeter she became. At one point I was worried because poor Bernice started losing her hair and I realized she was undergoing cancer treatment. She wasn't around for about a year and I was glad when I came in one day to see her back behind the counter again where she belonged, fully recovered. Since I moved from that house, I haven't seen her very much - I have a different, closer neighborhood store now. The other day, I felt the chugalug my truck likes to make when it's about to run out of gas, and I happened to be a few blocks from her store. It was nice to see her, still there, her eyes lit up like I was a long-lost friend, and that actually made me feel good. Godspeed, Bernice! Anyway, the point of all this is that seeing her reminded me of a classic little ditty about our dear Bernice that I co-wrote and recorded with Bradley doing vocals back in 2000. Here's the lyrics to follow along to, or just to enjoy if you can't or won't download the actual song. MP3 follows...

Bernice (B.Jacobson / P. English)

I’m covered in grease, Bernice Kiss me at least, Bernice When I come in from pumping gas You take my cash, you silver lass Bernice Do you dance like Syd Charisse, Bernice When you die you rest in peace, Bernice You never breakfast on cookies and beer But you’re the only reason I’m here Bernice I cross my eyes, I cross my legs Baby, I walk a thousand steps And take you home in bags Bernice, oh Bernice Some people say maybe she’s gay But I don’t see Bernice that way She got my number, she won’t look me up She knows I’m not just some young pup It’s her destination the convenience store vocation She stocks it up, knocks it up, locks it up And always rocks it up When she walks she stomps When she eats she chomps..she chomps She chomps

She’s my favorite sinner, always the winner If she were thinner she wouldn’t be my Bernice I cross my eyes, I cross my legs Baby I walk a thousand steps I cross my eyes, I cross my legs Baby you’re the bees knees I can take you as I please Bernice

Swivek: Bernice (MP3 3.5 MB / 128kbps )


What great performances by everyone involved with that song! I have to admit I got a little scared when I started reading as I thought perhaps ol Bernice had hit the big register in the sky. I was ready to book my ticket for the funeral. Whew! Plus it's great she remembered you.. that damn woman, brings a smile to my face everytime.. oh and remember that the song was actually played at the gay bar in Lancaster, CA a number of times as the DJ loved it - Mr. Tobias is to thank for that.
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